Posted onJuly 15, 2014
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She knew that something in her was changing and as much as she wanted that her life would never be the same. She had seen too much of the ugliness in the world and in herself. When your attention is brought to something about our self: it is the soul calling for change. Her mission became going back to the childhood that all but destroyed her and rescue her inner child. No brave knight was coming to save her. She was the only one that could do the saving. It meant for giving herself for neglecting the internal voice that had been calling her name for years. It would take immense courage to find herself frozen in time on many days.
Life had been happening to her for far too long. All of the parts of her that had been discarded had to be reclaimed. Type A personalities are about achievement versus depth. She had only cared about winning throughout life. She saw no prize coming from this fight until she realized that she was the prize. The free spirited soul could no longer suffocate in the prison of her own mind. So she opened the cage and released it. Before she realized it she was fighting for herself with the same force that she had fought for those she loved. Could it be that she was starting to love herself? That is exactly what was happening ! The scared little girl was getting to grow up again and this time she brought the warrior that she had found hidden in the dark corners of her soul .
It took guts to heal publicly. I knew when this journey started that I would become someone else. The only logical thing to do was share it with anyone that wanted to read my journey. It was at the start of my healing journey that the courage of others helped me see that I would make it also. Reading their stories reminded me of my own courage and how to tap into my inner strength. This blog is my story. The story of how one woman found all the pieces and put them back together to find who she is on the other side of healing. The journey has not been easy at times. More days than I can count were spent on my knees begging for it to be over, but each time I found a little more strength.
We heal for ourselves. We share our journey for ourselves. Each person that takes the healing journey goes through a transformation. They do not come out the other side the same. Most that I speak with find they are lighter and feel a new freedom. Healing is contagious; we see that freedom and crave it for our own soul. If you are struggling, remember the bravest thing we can do is claim our own story. You have the strength to put the pieces back together.
I am preparing for what I view as the fight of my life. This fight will finally secure my freedom from my former boyfriend. I was granted a protective order a month ago, but he has appealed it. I have Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder due to the abuse, manipulation and depravity of that relationship. My attorney has needed me to go back through texts and emails to gather evidence to secure my freedom for good. During this process, it all became clear. Many times, I have wondered how an intelligent and successful woman fell prey to this man. The answer is simple…gas lighting. Gas -lighting is a tactic used to make individuals start to question their own perceptions of reality. It is dangerous and has a profound impact on the psyche.
When I left that relationship, I was a shadow of my former self. Abusers break you down a little at a time while making you dependent on their toxic love. Leaving an abusive relationship and seeking help to heal is like going through deprogramming. Your mind is so scrambled in the end that you trust nobody including yourself. My former boyfriend would do things to make me feel unsafe while claiming they were cute. While I was in the relationship, he sent me pictures via text that he had taken of me sleeping or dressing. Pictures taken without my permission or knowledge I have learned that he would send these to keep me suspended in fear. It was covert blackmail. Another text that I had forgotten about was him talking about sleeping in my panties. That text was sent after our break up. I understand now that these things were to remind me that he had very intimate and personal items of mine and to remind me that anything could be used to humiliate me.
I am stronger now and do not give a damn what he uses to try to hold on. He used my secrets about being raped 20 years ago as a tool to manipulate and later shared them publicly. Many people in the small town that I live in were privy to the details of my sexual assault and the abuse I endured as a child. When I step back into court, I will be asking for my freedom. I left the relationship over nine months ago, but the harassment continued. If he was not contacting me directly or my friends, he was spilling one more secret or detail of my personal life to bait me. I always fell for it and would unblock him and try to rationalize or tell him what he wanted to hear. God, I was so desperate for my privacy and freedom. My privacy has always been very important to me. Having my privacy violated repeatedly was the most damaging. Beyond the emotional abuse and torture, it hit the hardest.
There are days that loud noises still send me straight to “fight or flight” or my central nervous system has not realized the threat is over and I experience psychogenic seizures. My biggest fear is that I will never get this monster or his actions out of my head. My life can be going along great with months of not being triggered and then something will set off the chain reaction. Lately, I am being triggered constantly, because I have to relive every detail to build a case to win my freedom from this man. I will always know that I was free the day that I walked out, the trauma brain is still learning
I have been faced with something that I find to be unacceptable. My abuser has appealed the permanent protective order. We will be going to court for what will be a public mudslinging match. My attorney feels this is another vain attempt to cover my abuser’s depravity. I was not even aware this was possible. I understand the appeals process, but it should not apply to protective orders. Protective orders are granted only when threats and harassment have been proven. The toll it has taken on me is immense. My healing progress has been set back a couple of months. I am angry. I had finally stopped looking over my shoulder. My thought is that victims of abuse and stalking need to know the law will protect them. I ask each of you to research your state laws on protective orders and write your state legislatures. Ask your friends, family and followers to do the same. If you have a website then post about the need for reform concerning protective orders
I was appalled yesterday to receive a letter from the court informing me that my abuser had filed an appeal on the protective order. The terror that enveloped me was horrible. My central nervous system immediately began to display the twitching that had been a part of my CPTSD. I could not allow anyone to touch me for the rest of the day. The involuntary muscle twitches and jerking are uncomfortable at times. It was my brain’s fear response. My body flashing back to every event in the form of cellular memory. A series of panic attacks followed long into the night.
My abuser has managed to stir something up about every thirty days to remind me that he is still out there. It isn’t like I will ever forget that he is out there. I have been mastering reclaiming my personal power. This man will not torture me any longer. I will do whatever I have to in order to protect myself from any further damage by this man. He had the control in the relationship, but I am no longer that woman. Today I am stronger and wiser. I know my worth and will not allow it to be touched by dirty hands. We can go back to court repeatedly, but I will never go back to him.
It is unacceptable for victims of stalking and abuse to have to worry about a protective order being challenged. Seeing my abuser in court caused more psychogenic seizures and weeks of CPTSD symptoms that I had not experienced in months. It is an absolute rape by the judicial system. I was forced to sit feet away from a man that tortured me mentally beyond words. The court now feels that he has rights. My protective order was granted and partially as a result of a powerful letter from my doctor explaining that seizures, nightmares, panic attacks and extended periods of disassociation were just a few of the things that I experience at the thought of contact from this man.
We wonder why more people do not leave abusive relationships and the answer lies in the judicial system. A system that should be protecting survivors of abuse and not abusers. Appeal should not apply in cases of protective orders. Protective orders are granted only when there is a threat to your physical or mental well-being. The evidence must be there to support the case. We will go back to court and I will fight for my freedom from this sadistic man once more. I will never stop fighting for me.